Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned
on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at A nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many & years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
Stumpy Grinder and his wife
Martha were from West Garland, Maine. Every year they went to the Bangor Fair, and every year Stumpy said " Ya know Mahtha, I'd like ta get a
ride in that theah aihplane." And every year Martha would say "I know Stumpy, but that plane ride costs ten dollahs.... and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."
So Stumpy says " By Jeebers Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old, if I don't go this time I may nevah go."
Martha replies " Stumpy, that there aihplane ride is ten dollahs...and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."
So the pilot overhears them and says " Folks, I'll make you a deal,
I'll take you both up for a ride, if you can stay quiet for the entire
ride and not say ONE word, I won't charge you, but just one word and
it's ten dollars."
They agree and up they go.... the pilot does all kinds of twists and
turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard, he does it one more
time, still nothing... so he lands.
He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says " By golly, I did
everything I could think of to get you to holler out, but you didn't."
And Stumpy replies " Well, I was gonna say something when Mahtha fell out...but ten dollahs is ten dollahs!
*Proper Anger Management Technique When you occasionally have a really bad day,
and you just need to take it out
on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. I
was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man
answered, saying 'Hello.' I
politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?' Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear
'Get the right f *** ing number!' and the phone was slammed down on me.
I
couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found
that I had ac accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call
the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled
'You're an ******* !' and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word
'******* ' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of
weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and
yell, 'You're an ******* !'* *It always cheered me up.* *When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my
therapeutic calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is
John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if
you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?' He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone. I
quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an *******!' and
hung up. One day I was at the store, getting ready to
pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled
into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and
yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed
a 'For Sale' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his
number. A
couple of days later, right after calling the first ******* (I had his number
on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW ******* too. I
said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?' He said, 'Yes, it is.' I asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see
it?' He said, 'Yes, I live at 34
Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a yellow rambler, and the car's
parked right out in front.' I
asked, 'What's your name?' He said, 'My name is Don Hansen.' I
asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?' He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.' I
said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?' He said, 'Yes?' I
said, 'Don, you're an *******!' Then I hung up, and added his number to my
speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two *******s to call. Then I came up with an idea. I
called ******* #1. He said, 'Hello.' I said, 'You're an *******!' (But I didn't hang up.) He asked, 'Are you still there?' I said,
'Yeah.' He screamed, 'Stop calling me!' I
said, 'Make me.' He asked, 'Who are you?' I
said, 'My name is Don Hansen.' He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?' I
said, ' ******* , I live at 34
Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow rambler, I have a black Beamer parked in
front.' He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And
you had better start saying your prayers.' I
said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, *******,' and hung up. Then I called ******* ..#2. He said, 'Hello?' I
said, 'Hello, ******* .' He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'
I
said, 'You'll what?' He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass,' I
answered, 'Well, ******* , here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.' Then I hung up and immediately, called the
police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd ,
in Fairfax, and
that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang
war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax .. *I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax I got there just
in time to watch two *******s beating the crap
out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and
surrounded by a news crew. NOW I feel much better. Anger management works.* *
COOKING: Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
DRINKERS: Worried that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed, to remove the stains.
GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending $50 to yourself by Post.
EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the applications into the trashbin.
HOME MAINTENANCE: You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire - then turn it down three notches. This saves your wife having to do it.
DRIVERS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone while driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.
WAKING UP: A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
HOME IMPROVEMENTS: If it doesn't fit - get a bigger hammer.
CINEMA GOERS: Have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by using the toilet before the film starts.
BATHROOM: Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.
RAPPERS: Avoid having to say: "Know what I'm sayin'?" all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.
SINGLE MEN: Convince people you have a girlfriend by standing outside department stores with bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.
SCROOGES: Save money at Christmas by returning last year's cards to the sender with the simple inscription "Same to you".
MINI DRIVERS: Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the thing like a dodgem car anyway.
HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS: Simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.
COOKING: Boil an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping it into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60mph. After three miles, phone your wife to take the egg out the pan.
SHOPPERS: Take one grape to the register. It won't register on the low-tech, insensitive scales so you will get it for free. Repeat this procedure 100 times or so and you have yourself a free bunch of grapes.
TOWN COUNCILS: Reduce litter problems by issuing blind people with pointy sticks.
COLD: If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.
CYCLISTS: Avoid getting a sore behind by simply placing a pita bread over your saddle. This will comfort your ride and when you return home, hey presto - a warm snack!
HOME MAINTENANCE: If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.
HOUSEWIVES: Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, circle the soiled area with a permanent pen so that when you remove it from the washing machine you can check the stain has gone.
YOUNG MOTHERS: Calm hysterically crying children in the supermarket by firmly slapping their legs and then tugging them along by the wrist.
FEMALE SHOP ASSISTANTS: When a garage mechanic comes to your till, add on a selection of random items they didn't know they needed and charge them $50 labour costs for the transaction.
